Skin
by Kyleigh17
Summary: Her fingertips brushed over the hard cold metal that sat on her desk. It wasn't like her to just sit and wait. It wasn't like her to stop herself, because most of the time she couldn't. Paily Fic- *WARNING DOES CONTAIN SELF HARM. DO NOT READ IF EASILY TRIGGERED.*
1. Chapter 1

Her fingertips brushed over the hard cold metal that sat on her desk. It wasn't like her to just sit and wait. It wasn't like her to stop herself, because most of the time she couldn't.

Most of the time her thoughts were as deep as the slices on the skin of her thighs.

Of course, lately, things were much different than they'd used to be.

With Alison gone, it was a lot easier to breathe these days. For the most part, anyway.

Paige snapped herself out of her own thoughts for a moment to turn on her radio in the corner of her room. She usually had what she guessed would have been called some kind of ritual before... well before the blade wasn't on her desk any more.

She wanted music; something to drown out everything for a moment- metaphorically speaking of course. So, she'd turn the music up as loud as her parents would let her. Most of the time, she knew how loud to keep it so it was just enough to keep her in a state of thoughtlessness and not so much so, that her parents felt the need to yell at her to turn it down.

_'You can't be serious.'_

The phrase rung in her head, over and over.

_'You're... you're gay. Why... why would you even joke about something like that?'_

Paige sat herself down, her back slick against the support of the wooden chair.

_'If you're serious about this...'_

Paige gripped the blade with the tips of her fingers, her eyes glued to the lustrous metal.

_'You may as well...'_

Paige's eyes squeezed themselves shut as her chest began to feel that familiar anxious ache.

_'You may as well leave this house right now.'_

The blade produced a quick slice over the skin of her scarred right thigh, her eyes still closed.

_'You don't belong here.'_

Another slice.

_'You're... you're not my daughter.'_

Her father's voice rung through her mind, tears now staining her cheeks with abstract tracks.

_'You're nothing.'_

A deeper slice this time, her eyes now open as she watched her skin open as the blade passed over it. She could feel her heart beat faster in her chest, the aching now all over her body. This process was exhausting and terrifying.

A few tears slipped off of her cheek and onto the open wounds of her skin, sending a sting over her exposed nerves.

Her mouth gaped open as a painful groan escaped her lips.

"Paige, I forgot to give this ba-" Emily's voice faded.

"Shit... you weren't..."

Paige raced to grab the towel laying on the floor in front of her, flinging it over her lap.

"Paige..."

"Get out." Paige's gaze drifted to the window to her left. She watched as a few of the neighbourhood kids raced each other down the road. Simplicity at it's finest. She kind of wished she were one of those kids right now... she needed a way to escape that wasn't so exhausting.

"No, I'm not going anywhere." Emily frowned before shutting the door and taking a seat on Paige's bed. "Paige... what is-"

Paige cut Emily off.

"Don't. You can save your attempt at an intervention." Paige's words were cold and harsh. She honestly didn't mean to say it the way she had, but with one of her darkest secrets having just been revealed, it was hard to keep any control of her emotions.

Emily placed her hands in her lap, her fingers fumbling around trying to keep her own emotions in tact. Her eyes drifted to the ground as she pursed her lips together, trying to think of something to say that wouldn't be offensive. Why would anyone do this to themselves? Why would anyone even considered hurting themselves like this? Especially someone who was so talented and beautiful and even though there were a few flaws here and there... who didn't have those? Paige was great the way she was... didn't she see that?

"I'm not."

Paige looked over to Emily who was still staring at the ground. Shit, now she'd gone and made her feel bad. She couldn't think of what to say that would change anything right now, and frankly, nothing would make this situation much better either.

Paige made her way to her dresser, pulling out a tensor bandage and wrapping it tightly over her exposed thigh. She suddenly became very aware she hadn't had any time to put her pants back on. Lifting a pair of track shorts off the ground that she'd worn to bed the night before, Paige pulled them up over her legs, letting the waistband sit over her hips comfortably.

"I'm sorry," Paige spoke after a few incredibly uneasy moments of silence.

"Sorry for what?" Emily looked up at Paige, her eyes narrowed out of confusion.

"For snapping at you like that... it... I'm not like that. I... this was just all incredibly bad, bad timing."

"Woah, woah. This is kind of more than a serious case of 'bad timing' here. Paige, you have cuts on your thighs that you made of your own free will. You did that to yourself. I can't figure out for the life of me why someone as incredible as you is putting themselves through that."

Paige's face flushed as she sat herself down next to Emily.

"It's not something that I'd expect you to understand." Paige's voice was softer now.

"Then help me understand... because I'm sitting here on your bed, looking at these bloodstains on your floor and I just don't get it. I don't get it at all." Emily found herself becoming more frantic and frustrated.

Paige felt a pang of guilt in her chest. This was something she'd barely had the time to think about, even when all she could really do these days was think. There was never a definite answer and on some days, she asked herself the same questions. 'Why do I do this to myself?' 'Why do I have to hurt myself?'

"Have you ever felt the need to be absolutely perfect? Have you ever had your parents tell you that you shouldn't be alive? That you were basically nothing? In fact... that you were nothing? To have every ounce of hard work that you really couldn't care less about thrown back in your face- and all that work was to keep them happy, not you." Paige lifted herself off the bed, her voice becoming stronger, but not to a point of yelling. "Emily, I came out the other day. I told my parents that I love girls. A girl. I told them I had feelings that I can't even control for a member of the same sex and was basically told to leave this house..."

Before Paige knew what was happening, her breathing became ragged and tears spilled down her cheeks. Her chest rose and fell dramatically and those ragged breaths turned into full out hyperventilation mode. The room began to spin. This was what it was like to have a panic attack- to literally have your emotions attack your body. Paige collapsed onto the wooden floor her body twitching from it's lack of oxygen.

"Paige!" Emily jumped from the bed to Paige's side, sliding her hand under her head. "Hey, hey..." Emily pulled Paige's head onto her lap, running her fingers through the girls hair. She didn't know what to say. She needed to understand this more but she had to find a way for Paige to explain all this... talk it out without having a breakdown.

"Paige, listen to me. Calm down. Hey, it's okay... you're not alone, all right? I didn't mean to put you in a panic like that. Just breathe. Deep breaths..."

"Em, this wasn't your fault." Paige lifted her hand and placed it over her chest, trying to find some kind of way to control the incredible ache that was arising.

"Is something wrong with your chest?" Emily's eyes showed incredibly concern, making Paige blush just a bit.

"Emily, why do you care so much?"

"Call me crazy, but you know, I'm kind of your friend... am I not? Aren't friends supposed to care about each other? Paige... have you ever even talked to anyone about this?"

Paige tried her best to pay attention, but her mind was pre occupied with the feeling of Emily's fingers running through her hair.

"No, not really."

"Why not?"

"Do you think anyone would really get that? I mean, you yourself said you don't understand." Paige sat herself up after feeling her breaths coming back to normal.

"You're right, I don't get it... but that doesn't mean I won't try to understand."

Paige looked over at Emily, her mouth slightly open as her head tilted to the side. There were no stopping the tears at this point. Why in the world would someone even think about caring for her? She was Paige, after all. Stupid, useless, and certainly far from perfect.

"Hey... now stop those tears." Emily's voice was soft as she lifted her hand to Paige's cheek, using her thumb to lightly caress the tears away. "Tears won't get you anywhere."

Emily smiled at Paige as their eyes met once again. Paige smiled this time as well- not a huge grin, mind you, but definitely an improvement then the fiasco a few moments ago.

The two remained silent after that for a few minutes, both unsure of what to say.

"My..." Paige began."My parents aren't okay with the fact that I'm gay. They're not letting me stay here, or at least my dad isn't. My mom hasn't said much and she and I were always close. We were always able to talk to each other and now suddenly it's like I'm no one. Nothing." Paige paused as she shifted herself fully around to face Emily.

"I don't have anywhere to go. I have no one. I've never really had anyone, especially when Alison was around so everything just-" Paige stopped for a moment, realizing what she'd just said. Paige breathed out as she closed her eyes tightly. Damn, she really needed to learn to keep her trap shut.

"Ali? What... does Ali have to do with this?" Emily sat up straight now, obviously quite intrigued.

Paige sighed.

"Alison... Ali... whatever. She tormented me all throughout high school. I was her little punching bag and the only person that ever really knew about that or most of what she did was my mom. She knew... she knew how badly that girl... if you could call her that, had just killed me."

Emily felt a pain in her chest now, too. What had Ali done that was so bad... that had caused Paige to do this?

"Emily..." Paige looked away. "I was going to kill myself last year. I didn't go through with it because... I couldn't... I couldn't let her win. She didn't get to beat me this way, too. She didn't get to take away something that was rightfully mine. Yet, somehow, I'm still here and it feels like no matter what... she'd already beat me. I'm still the way I am. I'm still a perfectionist who needs to be reassured that I'm good enough. And when I'm not... since Ali's not here to help with my 'punishments' any more, I guess I took that into my own hands. Literally."

Emily was left speechless. She didn't know what to say or how to feel. But one question still remained.

"What did she do that was so... so bad?" Emily asked, somewhat hoping the answer was an exaggeration.

"What didn't she do? Kicked me in P.E., threatened to reveal secrets that I had no idea she even knew about... name calling, constant threats... you name it, she did it. And I still can't figure out why she hated me so much. Then one day I did. One day I knew exactly why she hated me so much."

"Why?" The only thing Emily could manage.

"Because I was in love with someone that she wanted. It made sense. She wanted everything and she knew that if I took that away or changed it for her, that somehow, part of that would be gone for her. She had competition. She made sure to make me think that I wasn't though. I guess I'm kind of realizing all this as I say it out loud." Paige looked at Emily, who'd clearly had been crying too.

"Who?" Emily asked, one word questions being the only thing she could say.

"You."

Emily searched her brain to figure out something to say. Yeah... she had a thing for Paige too. She loved how Paige was constantly in control. How she seemed to have herself in order and strived to be her best. She was bold and confident. She was competitive which kind of gave a sexy edge to her personality. She was able to just... seem so composed. In fact, it was kind of a relief to know she had more sides to her than just that. Not that she approved of the way Paige had dealt with things, but it was nice to know she wasn't just so... stubborn. That there was more to her than a lot of people would ever get to see. She was kind of honoured that it got to be her to get to know that other person.

Knowing all that made it click.

Emily looked to Paige's lips, slowly moving in closer.

"What are you doing?" Paige whispered, her voice low and shaky.

"I think you know what I'm about to do..." Emily's voice just as soft.

"Why?"

Emily smiled before pressing her lips to Paige's, her hand sliding to her flushed cheek.

Paige was incredibly flustered and she could feel herself getting dizzy, but in the best way possible.

"You don't see it, do you? Like, you don't see it at all?" Emily questioned as she pulled away.

"See what?"

"You're amazing... and you're likeable. You're tough and strong and you've got me as a friend- you could have talked to me. I didn't peg you for the shy type, especially about your own problems. I wish you'd have said something to me before I told you that you should come out. This wasn't... this wasn't for me, was it?"

"No, of course not... it was because you were right. I didn't want to be a secret any more. I just... didn't think it would go as badly as it did. Or maybe I did and I'd hoped it wasn't going to turn out this way. You just gave me... confidence, I guess."

Emily smiled before pressing her lips back to Paige's.

"What in the _Hell_ is going on here?" A loud voice boomed from behind the girls.

_'Shit.' _Paige whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

Emily turned her head to the open door behind them as Paige jumped back and away from her.

Paige's father's eyes locked with Emily's, his eyes dark and narrowed as his face reddened with anger.

"What do you think you're doing with my daughter?" His voice boomed throughout the room creating an impossibly loud echo. "You get out of this house now. Get out." His voice turned from a loud boom to a maniacal scream.

Tears sprung to Emily's eyes; she'd never experienced anyone yelling at her like that, ever. She wasn't used to the instantaneous fear that pushed its way into her bones.

"Em..." Paige's voice was far different from her fathers; soft and compassionate. She reached out her fingertips to try and touch her, to get her to know that she was still there.

"No, you leave now. Get out. Paige, pack your things."

"W-what?" Paige's head shot up.

"You're not staying with us anymore. We've made some calls and your grandfather's got a bed set up for you."

Paige hated her grandfather. Sure, she respected the fact that he was a war veteran- he served his country well and he made sure to be loyal to all of his men, but his mind was more than closed. It was sewn shut, placed in a safe, and thrown in the middle of the ocean. He wasn't afraid to get the belt and whip people into shape.

She knew that belt all too well the first time she stayed with her grandfather.

Paige shuddered, still lost in her thoughts as she realized Emily was scrambling to get her things and out of her house.

"Emily..." She pleaded. "Listen to me, I'm so, so sorry. Emily..."

Emily turned around, stopping dead in her tracks, not caring that Mr. McCullers was still fuming behind her.

"You listen to me, this is none of your fault. You didn't choose this and I will never think this is your fault. You know where I'll be." Emily piled the last of her things into her bag before looking dead into Mr. McCuller's eyes.

"She is your _daughter_." Her firm, strong voice overpowered the tears that continued to stream down her face.

"Get out." His teeth clenched as he spoke. His eyes followed her movements out of the house as his body finally began to relax slightly.

Paige swallowed hard, her eyes closing to shut out some part of the world. Her body shook uncontrollably as her father turned his attention back to her.

"How could you? This..." He wanted to rage... he wanted to throw his fist into the wall but he managed to keep himself composed for the moment. "This is not how things were supposed to turn out. You aren't like this. You're confused and you need to seriously take a step back from all these... these influences around you. They're messing you up. They're making you something you're not."

"Dad, it's not like that. It's far from that. You had no right to yell at her like that- this is not her fault. I'm gay, and you can't change that."

Paige felt a hard slap to her face, causing her body to jerk back and fall to the floor. She looked up to her father, whose eyes had grown back to that dark, angry state they'd been just a few moments earlier.

"You are NOT gay and you do NOT get to tell me how to run my household. I will do what I think is necessary to protect you and this family."

Her body cringed from the shouting. She needed to escape and all she wanted to do was be with Emily- make sure she was okay. She could deal with the sting of a few slaps as long as it meant she'd get away that much sooner.

She refused to cry any more. This just wasn't her now; he'd gotten Emily involved.

"What are you trying to protect me from, exactly? What exactly have I done wrong here?"

"You don't get to use that tone with me. Pack your things now. You've got an hour and we're out of here." Mr. McCuller's slammed the door behind him, the floors shaking from the impact.

Paige's father was right about one thing. She was out of here.

Grabbing a large duffel bag from her closet, Paige piled in clothes, school work, hygiene essentials- all in a matter of twenty minutes. She didn't realize how fast she'd gotten her things together but suddenly it was like the world was moving far too quickly for her own good.

Paige didn't have time to reminisce about her past right now or think about a plan that would keep her stable. She knew it was impossible for her to comply with the idea of staying with her grandfather.

A glint of light in the corner of her eye caught her attention as she made her way to the window. The blade rested on her dresser, it's stillness almost to much to bear. It was as if the blade was staring her down- watching her every movement, drawing her in with it's abstract beauty of its ability to reflect light, seemingly in only her direction. Paige was in a trance.

She carefully slipped it into the side pocket of her duffel bag, unsure of what to feel, especially now that Emily knew.

Her fingertips gripped the bottom edge of the windowsill of her bedroom, sliding it up enough so she could slip out easily. She was lucky that she lived in a bungalow because there was no way she'd be able to make her way down from a two story bedroom. Well, used to live, she supposed.

She flung the bag to the ground before making the slight jump, herself. She'd lost her balance slightly and managed to let her ankle curl beneath her, causing her muscle to stretch out of place. She groaned out of pain as she stood.

_"I would go and sprain my ankle before I run away."_ She thought, before coming to realize that she literally was running away. The thought hit her like a ton of bricks- she was finally doing something about this injustice that had gone on in her house for far too long.

She slung the duffel bag over her shoulder as she limped down the pavement of her driveway, refusing to look back once.

* * *

Emily wiped at the tears in the corners of her eyes. This couldn't be happening all over again- someone that she truly cared about was being sent away because of her.

She knew it wasn't exactly because of her, but... it started to feel like it.

Would she even be able to see Paige again? How dare her father treat Paige that way. She wiped the tears from her fingertips onto her jeans, causing the material to dampen.

Her mind felt cluttered, yet oddly empty at the same time.

She tried to plan out over and over how she could get Paige out of this, but every thought and idea was either unsuccessful or incredibly unrealistic. For all she knew, Paige was out the door and gone to who knows where without even a real good-bye.

Everyone seemed to be leaving these days and it had to stop.

Em felt her pocket vibrate a few times. Her eyes rolled uncontrollably- she really didn't want to be bothered at the moment.

_Doesn't it just suck when you finally think you've got a good thing and it's suddenly ripped away? -A _

She flung her phone to the concrete path of the side walk. The device smashed into an array of large and small plastic remnants. That's all this was- a stupid plastic box that did nothing but ruin her life.

Her body froze, her eyes glued to the black pieces of plastic. She thought for a moment about picking them up and moving them out of the way, but instead stepped onto the largest in tact piece- the screen. She felt it shatter under the weight of her body, crumbling from the pressure. She knew how that felt.

She sighed and continued walking forward- that was really all she could do at this point.

"You know, you're lucky that I didn't try to call you..." A soft, shaky voice called out behind Emily, her stomach suddenly twisting in knots.


End file.
